Is life fair? (And if not, what can we do about it?)

It was July 28 of last year, and I was in my conference room at Sharonview Federal Credit Union – where I was CEO at the time – and got a call from a dear friend who doesn’t normally call during the workday. 

He and his wife have been friends of Kim’s and mine since our early married days. There were four couples who all had kids about the same age, went on vacations together, went to church together, did life together. My friend was calling to tell me that, the day before, he’d learned he has Stage 4, metastatic colon cancer. His oncologist told him, “I can’t save you.”

I asked him a few questions while trying to absorb the news. Even though I’m a believer, the utter unfairness of this hit me hard. 

That phone call – one I’ll never forget – started my pondering the question: Is life fair? I’ve been considering it, reading about it and praying about it since my friend’s diagnosis. 

When it comes right down to it, I don’t think life owes us anything. We’re given life – and we may make of it what we will. And when life deals us a bad hand – as it inevitably will for all of us – all we can control is our response. 

I’ve always believed in an abundance mentality versus a scarcity mentality. The glass is half-full in my book. But news like this causes you to re-evaluate your beliefs. My buddy, I’m happy to say, has kept a positive attitude. In spite of everything. The one thing he’s in control of – his attitude – is resolute. 

And if he can be positive in the face of this, so can I.

Make your days count

He ended up having to retire early. He and his wife aren’t traveling like they had hoped they would when they bought a motor home before his diagnosis. But my friend, who was given six months to live last July, is still here. He’s fighting the good fight; he’s getting chemotherapy and receiving palliative – or comfort – care. And every day he’s here, he considers a good day. 

My friend is a believer, too, and he tells me he knows God’s got a plan. 

Since none of us knows how much time we have here, we had better make each day matter.

My friend’s illness – and the way he’s facing it – have been an urgent reminder to me to be intentional about how I spend my time. 

My friend’s diagnosis has led me to ponder: How do we make the best of the unfair situations we all find ourselves in? I’m seeing my friend lean on his beloved wife, his friends, his family. Spending time building relationships with those we care about – that’s the good stuff. That’s what makes life rich. Without even meaning to, my friend is teaching me. 

He’s not feeling sorry for himself. I never hear an ounce of Woe is me. And I really admire that. In fact, I’m in awe of it.

It's unfair. Now, what?

So, since life is unfair, what can we do to sort of balance the scales? 

I believe that to whom much is given, much as expected. I have loved spending my retirement so far giving of myself – volunteering for causes I’m passionate about. I started volunteering at Loaves and Fishes in Charlotte and love feeling purposeful. Sharing of my time and whatever talent I have is one way to adjust the scales.

Another tactic: I think staying grateful helps us overcome the burden of knowing life isn’t fair. I start my day with a gratitude prayer. I spend a little time being thankful to God for everything He's provided. I start my day with words of affirmation, which feeds me with positivity. 

Feeding ourselves with positive thoughts reminds me of the story about the Cherokee grandfather who told his grandson about the two wolves that live in each of us. 

The grandfather said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

“The other is good, joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

“The grandson thought about it and then asked, ‘Which wolf wins?’

The grandfather simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’” 

Feeding yourself with optimism, being around positive people, being thankful for what you have – they’re all ways to counteract the unfairness life can dole out. 

About seven or eight years ago, my executive coach pointed out that I was always running to the next thing, and she cautioned me to pause and look back occasionally at how far I’d traveled. Now, I am very intentional about stopping to smell the roses. Stepping back and reflecting can help remind us of our accomplishments, the good we’ve done, the obstacles we’ve overcome. 

For several years now, I’ve been trying to make more time to relax. I no longer regard sitting in a chair and staring at the sky as wasted time. Now that I’m retired, I get a chance to do a little more of that. And it always fills me up.

Our culture tells us not to be lazy, and it devalues, for instance, staring at the sky. But in reality, we all need that stillness. Busyness is overrated. It's OK to watch a sunset and be grateful for it. It’s OK to slow down. It’s OK just to be. 

Staying grateful

My friend has every right to be angry and upset. Yet, he’s not. There’s a spirit of gratitude in him about the time he’s been given. 

What you’re grateful for changes with something like a cancer diagnosis. My friend, who’s always been physically strong, has been losing muscle mass. He’s having trouble keeping weight on. So, he’s been challenged to take in a bunch of calories by eating foods he might normally avoid. 

I saw him in California a couple of months ago, and Chick-fil-A had become an extra special treat for him, He really looked forward to that chicken sandwich and waffle fries. I got a chance to join him in eating 4,000 calories a day, and we had a lot of fun with it. Right as we were finishing our big lunch, he asked if I’d have pasta carbonara with him for dinner. There was such simple joy in sharing meals with him.

It may seem incongruous that I call myself a “chief encouragement officer,” but here I am writing about the less-than-encouraging topic of the unfairness of life. 

Yet I see this message as ultimately hopeful. Life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to wonderful people. But we were never promised life would be fair and just. And there are things we can do, starting with our own attitudes, to make the unfairness bearable.